Harry and Bessie Meet Groucho Marx

by Stephen Halpert

During their TV studio tour in Hollywood, Harry and Bessie were selected to appear as guests on Groucho Marx’s You Bet Your Life.  The announcer, George Feniman, led them onto the set saying, “Folks come in and meet Groucho Marx. Groucho meet Harry and Bessie Silva from Pawtucket, Rhode Island.” George grinned. “Harry’s the reputed mattress tsar of Pawtucket, Rhode Island.”

“Mattress tsar?” Groucho turned to Bessie and winked. “Welcome you two. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars.” He puffed his cigar and grinned at Bessie.  “How do you feel about Harry being so involved with mattresses?”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” Bessie smiled. “I’m glad Harry knows his way around the bedroom.”

“Really.” He tapped his cigar in an ashtray.  “You must be a very open-minded wife to feel that way.”

Bessie smiled. “I don’t know about that. But I do like the bedroom window open when we go to sleep.”

Groucho blinked. “What’s that got to do with mattresses?”

Bessie smiled. “A better night’s sleep and Harry’s less likely to snore,” she nodded.

He turned to Harry. “What brings you two to Los Angeles? You’re a long way from Pawtucket, Rhode Island.”

Harry smiled. “We’re here for the furniture show at the Mayflower.”

“I thought the Mayflower’s was in Plymouth.” He turned to Bessie and winked. “And what are you doing while Harry’s at the show?”

“Oh I love going shopping on Sunset Strip.”

Groucho wagged his eyebrows. “You like the strip?”

“Oh I prefer the fox trot but I’m old fashioned that way.”

“But it’s ok for your husband to sell mattresses to attractive women?”

“Oh, of course,” Bessie said. “That’s Harry’s livelihood.  He can just look at a woman know what kind of mattress she needs.”

Groucho turned to Harry. “Is that true. “All you do is sell is mattresses?”

“Sometimes I like to go to the track, and I do also sell bedroom sets.”

 A flurry of chords and a duck flew down.

“You’ve said the secret word,” Groucho grinned. “Track.” He took the hundred-dollar bill from the duck’s beak and handed it to Harry. “

‘Oh wow,” Bessie kissed Harry. “Now we can take one of those hundred-dollar bus tours to see the homes of movie stars.”

“See what kind of mattresses they sleep on.” Groucho added. “So why do you like to go to the track?”

  “We have a big display in the clubhouse and I like to check up on it once in a while.”

“I didn’t know the ponies liked mattresses,” Groucho grinned. “Ok enough of this pillow talk. Let’s play You Bet Your Life. You two chose Legends as your category. Here’s your first question for one hundred dollars: Who’s buried in Grants tomb?”

Bessie looked at Harry. “I hope you know,” she said. “I haven’t a clue. I always thought it was empty.”

Harry creased his brow. “General Grant?”

“Right,” Groucho smiled. “And you’ve just won a hundred dollars.  Here’s your next question for two hundred dollars: What’s between heaven and earth?”

“Oh that’s a hard one,” Bessie smiled. “Lots of thing, I guess.”

Groucho turned to Harry. “Is that your answer?

“No,” Harry said. “And.”

“And what?” Groucho asked.

“And is between Heaven and Earth,” Harry smiled. “You just said so yourself.”

“I guess I did. You’ve just won two hundred dollars bringing your total to three hundred dollars.”

“Oh,” Bessie said. “This is fun. Now we can afford dinner tonight at the Mayflower.”

“Is it that expensive?” Groucho asked.

“Well Harry usually has to pick up the tab.”

“I won’t go there,” Groucho said. “Now for three hundred dollars, “What’s black and white and red all over?”

“Oh I know the answer to that,” Bessie said excitedly. “A newspaper.”

“That’s right,” Groucho said. “See how easy it is making money on television? And now for four hundred dollars. Get this one right and you’ll be able to join the other contestants at the end of the show and play “You Bet your Life for another thousand dollars.” He looked at them.  “What did Columbus do in 1492? And don’t say he sailed the ocean blue,” he chuckled.

“Didn’t Columbus discover America?” Bessie said. “But did he really? I thought it was the Italian.”

“Your right,” Groucho said, “and here a thousand dollars. Now come back and join the other contestants and if you win you’ll go home with two thousand dollars.”

“And if we don’t win?” Harry asked.

Groucho winked. “A years supply of frozen broccoli.”

“Oh, Harry just take the money,” Bessie said. “Frozen broccoli isn’t something I’d want a years supply of. Besides our freezer isn’t big enough to hold all that. We’d have no room for the frozen spinach you like.”

“Are you sure,” Groucho said. “Most winning couples want to come back for more.”

“Oh, I think we’ve done just fine,” Bessie said. “Why would we want more when what we have now is plenty?”

“You’re a very practical woman,” Groucho said. “Most contestants want as much as they can get. But they don’t like going to sleep with the bedroom window always open.”

“Probably,” Bessie said. “But that’s not me.”

Groucho looked at Harry. “How do you feel about that?”

“Whatever Bessie says,” Harry said wisely. “She’s the boss.”

“Really,” Groucho said. “I hope you like the bedroom window open too. Otherwise, what kind of a marriage would you two have?”

Harry smiled.

“Well, when Harry’s away I usually keep it locked,” Bessie said. “That way there’ll be no surprises in the morning.”

“I’ve never met a couple in the mattress business,” Groucho said. “And I’m not trying to give you the business either. But what kind of a bed does the Mattress Tsar of Pawtucket and his wife sleep in?”

“Oh, for years we had a water bed,” Bessie said. “Until it started to leak.”

“I hope it was the mattress and not either of you,” Groucho quipped.

“Of course,” Bessie blushed.

“So, what kind of a mattress do you two sleep on now?”

“It’s a king sized that vibrates,” Bessie said proudly.’

I hope you’re talking about your mattress and not about Harry.” Groucho winked.

Bessie blushed and took Harry’s hand. “Don’t worry Harry, your snoring doesn’t really bother me.”

“That’s a good thing,” Groucho said. “A very good thing. Thanks for being our guests on today’s show.”

George Feniman ushered them off stage. Groucho grinned. “Next time I need a new mattress I’ll give you a call.”

Bessie smiled. “You do that and Harry will give you a really good deal.”

“We were on television,” Bessie said excitedly as they left the studio. “I wonder if anyone back in Rhode Island was watching?”

“And they’ll all know I snore,” Harry grumbled.

Bessie giggled. “Don’t worry Harry. No one will remember that.”

 He took her hand. “You’re probably right. But what worries me Bessie, is your sister Lucile might try to hit you up for some of our winnings.”

“Oh don’t worry Harry. It will all be spent before we fly home. I’ve always wanted to shop at the fancy stores on Rodeo Drive.”